Divorce

I never thought I’d be here writing about this. I definitely thought I wouldn’t be open to sharing this. Here it is though, staring me in the face. I am facing the fact that when I go and check a box, I will have to select …

 

DIVORCED

 

What an ugly word.

 

It all began with a marriage. All of our best friends and family went with us to a tropical beach. We had the time of our lives. There were parties on the beach, dancing, laughing—all of the fun ways you celebrate being in love.

 

The morning after we said our vows, a worker at the front desk referred to him as my husband, and I couldn’t stop smiling. We went down to the pool in the morning, and there sat reserved signs for the Mr. & Mrs. It felt so incredible seeing it in writing. I was over the moon.

 

Fast forward, about a year later I became pregnant. We were overjoyed. We had been trying for a few months, and couldn’t wait to be parents. We had talked about having a family for years.

 

I thought I was the happiest I had ever been. Then one day…

 

My

 

Whole

 

World

 

Came

 

Crashing

 

Down.

 

He cheated. With someone my mom’s age. While I was pregnant. My whole life was about to change.

 

Never, ever in my life did I see this coming. I was completely blindsided. I can’t even begin to convey how much I knew this would never happen to me. This kind of thing only happened to other people. I wasn’t one of those people who would end up divorced.

 

I knew what I had to do. My mom had raised a very strong, independent woman. There was nothing he could do to change my mind, though I was interested in understanding what happened so I could heal. The rollercoaster of the last two years would take three novels to explain. Here’s the short story: he fought for us…he gave up…he said he’d never talk about what happened…he refused counseling…he went back to her…continued lying…he left me alone to take care of our son…he came back…left again…fought his hardest when he found out I bought a home of my own, and still fights to this very day. I’ll never know what happened, and I’ve learned to accept that.

 

I was going to be a single mom. What?? I felt like suddenly I was on the show 16 and pregnant…except I was 29. Who was this man I married?

 

How could this be happening to me? I was with the same person for twelve years. I thought I knew exactly how much life would turn out. Again, this only happened to other people.

 

After I made him leave, I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor at 11 at night, holding my two month old while bawling my eyes out. I could barely see the numbers on my phone as I dialed my mom. I was at my lowest of lows.

 

“I can’t understand you…Is Josh okay?? What’s going on? Is Josh okay? We will all be right over.”

 

And, they came. My best support group. My family.

 

I read the letters I had found. It was all the evidence I needed. I sat on my bathroom floor reading them with my sister until I could read them no more. My family stayed so that I could sleep.

 

That was the only day I allowed myself to do that. It was the only day I really wallowed. I was Josh’s mom. I needed to be there for him. He was my reason for everything, and I vowed to continue to be the best mom I knew how. I didn’t want him to see me sad, so I didn’t.

 

My family and closest friends only knew for that entire first year. I didn’t dare speak to anyone else about it. They were my support, and I trust each and every one of them. I owe them everything. They listened and listened. They kept me the happy girl that I am. I can’t even express the things that they did for me.

 

Almost two years ago this all began. That’s when I found out that life isn’t always what you expect. Life throws you things that you don’t even think you can handle~ but you can and you do handle it. I gathered every bit of happiness back and more. I moved on. I hired a lawyer. I hired a realtor. I found my perfect home for my son and I. I packed up. I moved out. All of those same supportive people were there for me moving me in the day before work started last summer.

 

If you would have asked me a year ago what my life would be like now, I wouldn’t have imagined it is what it is. I didn’t know my life could actually be even happier than it was before. Things actually do work out. You can get past things. Things that consumed your thoughts, they lessen. Your worries begin to fade. Your strength grows mountains. It just takes time. I wish I could tell this to girls that think they will never get over it. Girls who stay because they think they aren’t strong enough to leave or think they can’t do better. You can, and you will. I am living proof.

 

Divorce…it’s not the end of you. It’s just the beginning of something new. It most definitely doesn’t define you.

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18 thoughts on “Divorce

  1. Commenting that the white space was a powerful touch/choice as a writer really feels rather flimsy and inconsequential. The strength of your words overcomes me…like, the experience of reading about your pain made me feel sour in my stomach and…like I got hit in the ear with a compacted hard snow and ice ball…that the pain is still felt all these days, and weeks, and months, and years later, and it is like can almost still hear the ringing in your ears…powerful stuff. So sorry to hear that it happened, but comforted that you are pulling yourself through in the embrace of others.

  2. I could feel all of the emotions through your words…happiness, joy, anger, disgust hope, love, but the most powerful one is the strength! I am sure this was hard to put out there but words can be very healing and it sounds like you are on your way.

  3. I read this piece hours ago. I had to let it simmer. Such a powerful and moving piece. I’m just blown away that you had the courage to share this. It’s so real, painful and raw. I feel for you on so many levels. Josh will know love and strength through you. He will respect and love women because of your strength. From a writing standpoint, your pacing and breaks make your words stir an emotional response. Just wow.

  4. I too read this hours ago – on my phone – and could not comment until I had a computer. Your post talks of the trust you had – that was broken – and the promise you made – that was kept. This line will stay with me all weekend,” Your strength grows mountains. It just takes time.” I too wish you could tell this to girls – all of the. Your are living proof that divorce is a chapter in your story.

  5. I had to read this in chunks. I couldn’t read through the tears welling up in my eyes. Coming from a divorced family, I read this and thought of my mom. Aimee you are so strong, so beautiful, and such an amazing mother. I know there were things last year I hesitated to write, but once I did…what a relief. I couldn’t say this any better than Brittany…”Josh will know love and strength through you. He will respect and love women because of your strength.”

  6. Aimee, you are so strong and such a wonderful person. You exude happiness and true kindness. I am so happy that you are such a strong person because you deserve the best. You are an awesome mom to Josh. I love your last paragraph about moving on.

  7. Life often takes unexpected twists. You were brave to share this. This line of gratitude to your family and close friends stood out, “They kept me the happy girl that I am.”

  8. As I read your piece I could see your face in my mind with that big, happy smile you always have. You truly do have a great family that not only helped you through this, but also gave made you the strong woman you are today. Your son will learn great and important things from you. xoxo

  9. I can relate to your post almost from beginning to end. It happened, to me, too. You will be stronger for it. I agree with your final thought. It doesn’t define your entire life; it is a small part of who you are.

  10. You should write a book!!! I can’t even begin to describe what stood out to me in this piece—-it’s amazing. Truly your positive voice shines through and gives hope to those all around you! Stay strong! Much love to you!

  11. This is such a true and real post. Only someone who knows that soul crushing feeling could write about it so well. Your past helps guide you but never defines you.

  12. I am so moved by this post. Your raw honesty and gut wrenching pain reaches out to the reader…but what STAYS is your strength, your love for your son, your living!!! I am grateful to have gotten a chance to read this post. You are brave to share this and I’m honored to have gotten the chance to read it. Thank you.

  13. Aimee, you really are so strong in that you took that one day, that one night you needed to feel your emotions and you have had to be strong for Josh. It is just amazing that you are such a strong woman and a great Mommy to josh. You deserve every bit of happiness. Even when things didn’t seem like they could be better, you remained strong. And you are right it just takes time.

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