Au Revoir

She knew he was leaving. She mentally prepared her mind for it, as well as she could with the short notice of it all. She told herself it was only 12 weeks. They will have a lifetime together after. In 38 short days, he will be coming home briefly for their wedding.

She unintentionally began to let anxious thoughts slip into her head, even though she swore to herself she wouldn’t. She promised herself she would be strong and not put all of her walls back up to protect herself again. This girl is stubbornly independent, living by the motto, I’ve got this.

A year ago he had broken every wall. She trusted him, and he gave her every reason to. He never gave her any reason to doubt what an incredible man he was. Never gave her a reason to doubt how much in love with her he was.

With him leaving though, it was too much change for her. That was one thing she was bad at…

change.

She had just gotten used to all of the new change in her life. Now life was being altered again.

Before he left, they had a beautiful weekend together that lingers in her memory.

One moment they were out wine tasting, and the next moment they were laughing on the kitchen floor.

“Why are we laying on the kitchen floor?” he had asked her. She just kept laughing uncontrollably because she could not figure out why either. Then they just held each other and got quiet because she had said, “I’m going to miss you so much.”

They just laid there on the kitchen floor silently aware of how much life was about to change for them.

A few tears started coming from their eyes, but she started laughing so hard again to make them go away.

Sunday morning came, and away he went. She handled it. She said her goodbyes and tried hard to not think about anything. She had the best day with her little guy. He always kept her busy and smiling.

Then Monday came. Monday was rough. Monday she began to miss him too much. On Monday she worried it might be too much for her to take on. On Monday she let her thoughts get the best of her. She already felt worried that he would change, that things would change between them. Her walls started climbing too high. She kept herself so busy with her little boy, laughing and having fun. Inside she felt lost though. Could she do this for 12 weeks? She saw his absence everywhere. Josh missed him too, and asked about him for the entire day.

Then he called her, and she heard his voice again. In that moment, hearing him speak, everything changed. He missed her too. She just needed to hear his voice. Their love could get them through anything. The walls slowly began to crumble again.

My Angel

Grocery shopping is usually a bothersome task. I try to get through it as swiftly as possible. Taking a three year old only adds to the complexity of it all.

This time was different.

Josh let me put him in the front of the cart where he should be. Lately, he has been insisting to sit in the back of the cart. Sometimes I admittedly throw the towel in and let him, because I have to choose my battles. The groceries usually pile up around him anyways, and he chooses to sit in the appropriate seat when it becomes too much.

He was eager to help me this time. He wanted to choose the foods that he wanted me to purchase. He was making me laugh. We chatted with each other up and down each aisle.

I pulled my cart over to the meat department. I needed some good filets for my rare, fancy beef wellington dinner. I was rummaging through different options when Josh says, “Mama, I need a big hug!” I stop what I am doing and look at his beautiful face.

I rush over to give him my best hug and he says, “Mommy you’re my angel!”

Oh my. I melt.

When Josh goes to bed at night I sometimes tell him the very same thing. When I hear it come from his mouth, it fills me up with complete joy. The way he says it couldn’t be captured on paper. It was mixed with sweetness, happiness, softly spoken and positivity.

He’s so genuine and innocent. I will always remember these moments.

Questioning Love

A conversation with someone I care deeply about made me think. She is questioning men, or people’s faithfulness in general.

Questioning the honesty of people.

Questioning the faithfulness of people.

Questioning love.

She’s losing faith in people because of their appalling actions. This girl has the best soul. She is a thinker and someone who has a true heart of gold. I admire the depths of her caring heart. For her to question these things, it really made me think.

Having been through a situation where my very own soul was crushed to utter pieces, I could empathize with it.

Her question here is simply, given a certain opportunity, would anyone cheat? Does real integrity exist? My heart broke for her to have to think that way. I once, very recently, questioned it myself. The thought of it makes me disheartened, because if that’s true, then what is the point of relationships? Isn’t a major part of life itself falling in love? It’s about falling in love, family and growing together?

She had seen some pretty bad things in the last couple of weeks that had her mind questioning men. She saw one too many people being manipulative, and sneaky behind the backs of the people they supposedly love. She watched as relationships crumbled. She lost her faith in it all.

It’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. It’s also one of the saddest thoughts my own mind has considered.

She shouldn’t have to think this way. She is young, gorgeous and intelligent beyond belief. She needs to know that there is so much hope in love. She should be able to spread her wings and fall into it. We all should. We shouldn’t have to question things and play in these love games, but we do.

It’s just not what you dream of growing up. Growing up, you hear of fairytales, princes and knights in shining armor. I had too, questioned the realness of things we are told as little girls. Where did all these love songs and romantic comedies come from anyway? Were these wishes from the mind? Why would they tease us with this and make us grow older only to learn the harsh reality of love?

It just truly hurt my heart to hear her questioning love like I did. For someone I love like her, I want everything wonderful. I want the fairytale for her. I want a strong, deserving, confident, honest, eyes-only-for-her kind of man.

Having been through heartache myself, I questioned it. I thought I would never trust again. It took friends and family telling me that not every man will cheat. That there are strong, confident men out there waiting to appreciate you. Ones that won’t take you for granted. I mostly rolled my eyes to myself in huge denial and doubt.

Then one day, I found it. I found someone who is in love with me, in love with my son. I found a man who is strong and confident. He broke down all my walls. He was patient, understanding and knew that I needed time to trust again. Slowly, I learned that they are out there. Real, truly great men, with huge hearts are waiting for all of us somewhere. There are men who would never hurt you. They make promises and they keep them. They surprise you. They want to spend time with you more than anything else. They want to listen to you talk and compliment you constantly. They make you feel beautiful, special and appreciate you.

People told me these men really do exist. My brain fought it hard to deny their existence. I didn’t believe them, until now. Believe me, I know that they are hard to come by, but they are there. I have to believe it is real.

All I can hope, it that she finds out this truth too. I hope that she doesn’t have to meet too many frogs before she finds her prince.

Cross It Off the List

We are not moving, for now. The appraisal came in too low.

When we found out we were pretty bummed, but by the end of the night things changed. We looked at each other and let out a huge breathe of relief.

He’s leaving on Sunday. He will be gone for 12 weeks.

12 weeks…right in the middle of our wedding

With that happening and the wedding planning, it might have been too much on our plates.

All I know is it felt good to cross moving off the list of things to do.

When I am walking down the aisle in a little over one month, I will be walking toward someone I miss the heck out of. His absence will definitely make the wedding even more special. Seeing his face that day will make it worth every minute we have to spend apart.

Blessings in disguise aren’t just things people say. We aren’t moving, for now. Thank goodness.

The Fire

Bitter cold

Run in the house, giddy

Impatiently turn on the fireplace

Waiting for the warmth, but already feeling it in my face

Jumping, laughing, face crimson

Cheeks warmer than anything else

Stolen glances at each other while standing on the step

Inches away from the fire

Standing there laughing, wanting warmth from the cold

Fingers brushing each other’s hands

Facing towards the fire, then jumping to turn around

Looking at his smile that travels all the way to his eyes

Feeling warmth, silliness, happiness

Hearing laughter

A moment that I think of often

Our Song

After a big day, and some grocery shopping with my little guy, I pulled into my garage. I let Josh in the house and began unpacking my groceries. My fiancé was there waiting for us when we got home.

He smiled at me and took the bags from my hands. He placed them on the counter. He turned on music and took me into his arms. He wrapped my arms around his neck and began swaying.

This was something he had done from the very beginning. Dancing is something special for us. Our first date was a wedding, so we danced then and every other opportunity we have.

As we danced in the kitchen, I felt my cheeks beginning to flush. No matter how many times we danced, I still became embarrassed each time.

I started to take my arm down, and he quickly placed it back up around his neck. I giggled and try to squirm away, but he twirled me around. He pulled me back closely and told me to listen to the words.

When your legs don’t work like they used to before, and I can’t sweep you off of your feet. Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love? Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

He told me that this was our song. He told me this is the way our love was going to be always.

I flushed even more, but couldn’t stop grinning.

When my hair’s all but gone and my memory fades, and the crowds don’t remember my name. When my hands don’t play the strings the same way I know you will still love me the same.

As I listened to the beautiful words, I realized he was right. This might just be our song. We danced the entire song, as I continued to flush and twirl. This is definitely the man for me.

And, darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70. And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23. And I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways. Maybe just the touch of a hand. Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day.

Straight Greens

I revved her up. I threw the car in reverse and forgot again to pause before switching gears to drive. I have been told that one day I am going to break my transmission.

My day begins. The Frozen station is on for Josh’s listening pleasure. I blare the Disney tunes as we pull onto Oak Park Avenue.

Green Light

For the first time in foreverrrrr….the bass is just right, and I feel as if I am a dancing princess gliding across the dance floor.

Green Light

I am making good time today. As I pull up to Justamere Road, I look near the horizon and yet again…

Green Light

I am completely aware of my surrounding and happenings this morning, even before I hit Dunkin’.

I’ve never met someone who thinks so much like me….Jinx, Jinx again.

I have definitely become the Disney princess now. My voice is blaring through the car, and it makes Josh laugh.

Cicero, Green Light

I’ll finally see a summer breeze, blow away a winter storm. And find out what happens to solid water when it gets warm!

Up ahead, my eyes rest on a large locomotive. This is truly good luck. Joshua’s favorite thing is to see trains. If we cross the bumpy tracks without one in sight, he is bummed.

We sit parked at the crossing, which gives me my much needed time to throw on my eye liner. I listen as Josh talks to the train, and then says, “Good-bye choo choo!!”

We get to his school in record time. Not one red light. I don’t remember a day that this has ever happened.

I drop off Josh, and get my favorite drink…ice cold coffee.

I pull up to the drive thru, and the most hilarious thing happened. I was completely thrown off, because the voice from the speaker said, “Hi! You would like a small, iced turbo with skim milk and sugar?” So backwards. Instead of ordering I simply utter, “Yes!”

Is it a perfect Disney kind of day? I think I will float into my classroom today humming my tunes.

Busy

It’s marriage certificate day. What a big day for us. Now that I am thinking about it, I haven’t had any “small” days in a very long time. We are busy.

I actually enjoy being busy. Life is definitely not passing me by. I am living.

Today is also house hunting day. We will hear back from the appraiser by Friday. Until then, we will continue our search just in case.

In other “busy” news, I need to order:

a cake topper

dress items

favors

escort and place cards

decorations

finalize makeup, hair and photographer

get engagement photos

design wedding ceremony programs

plan a honeymoon

possibly move/pack….to name a few

There are so many things on the list, but truly it is going well. I just need to continue to check everything off my list. Today I will check off a couple. Here goes!

The Appraisal

Will today be my lucky day? We shall see.

Today we find if my house will actually sell or not. The odds are now stacked against it. Unfortunately, the comps in the neighborhood are just not there. People have been selling because they are on two mortgages, and desperate. This puts us other sellers in a poor position. My realtor told me we would be dreaming to sell at the price we are asking. Having said that, the house miraculously sold, now it is just up to the appraisal today. The luck has been with me, so we will see if it stays.

I feel relieved to know either way. I really can’t move forward with purchasing a new home or packing until I see if this is real or not. We have been at a stand still.

Fingers crossed, today I will hear more good news. Then after that, we will hopefully find a new home that we all love.

Burnt Bacon

Yesterday I had the best day, on what I could have called one of the worst days. The day just did not start off in my favor.

I decided to make a delicious breakfast for my two fellas. I was going to make bacon, eggs, hash browns, pancakes. The breakfast was to taste delectable. I was supposed to feel joy and pride in ability as a Mom.

To begin with, Josh is obsessed beyond belief with bacon. When I take him out to breakfast, he consistently tells the waitress, more bacon please. So, I figured I would give it my best shot and make his bacon dreams come true.

Scott had to go to the store to pick up a few of the ingredients that I did not have. While he was gone, I began cooking the bacon. Josh was very excited about the bacon and he…

needed it now!!

I couldn’t cook it fast enough for him. His terrific threes were roaring. I gave him the bacon. It wasn’t the perfect, crispy bacon that I had imagined. It was cooked, but slightly fatty. Apparently, he realized this too, because he told me it was ocky.

I went on trying to cook more bacon, but I was interrupted again by his terrific threes. I had heard about these threes, but didn’t realize they begin right away after two. Normally, it’s not too bad, but his need for bacon was livening things up!

This time, as I was soothing him, the phone rang. Scott had gotten the wrong butter and needed my assistance. I was helping the two of them, when I smelled something funny.

Opps, I burnt the bacon. It was bad. The bacon was black and there was smoke everywhere in the kitchen. I had to open windows and doors. Things were not going as planned.

Since he couldn’t eat this batch either, I tried again. I only got it right once. The pancakes were too buttery, the hashbrowns never got made, but the eggs were okay.

With everything going on, all I could do was laugh to myself. The imperfect day ended up one of the happiest days I’ve had in awhile. I just kept laughing, because why not?